Boy can I relate, especially lately. I’ll be 65 soon, and I feel less motivated all the time, it seems. Over the years I’ve had lots of interests, and what I seem to do is work fairly hard to reach a certain level of competency and then I lose interest. To make matters worse, I have a good friend who is the complete opposite. She’ll develop an interest, and work at it daily, really honing her skills. Not only that, she seems to have things that interest her forever. I’m so envious.
First, I feel like I just don’t have enough energy. I can sit and dream (or write) about the things I want to accomplish. I can get very enthusiastic for a short time, but soon the “sameness” takes over, and the next thing I know I’m onto something else. For instance, I thought I would enjoy photography, and I did! But then I got tired of actually carrying a camera everywhere and constantly feeling like I had to be on the lookout for something to shoot. I’m a pretty good artist, and somehow I actually managed to stick with colored pencil long enough to complete a number of drawings that I’m actually proud of. But gradually I’ve backed off from that. Next I wanted to learn water color, and I got a start. My husband even got me some very nice paints for Christmas that I’ve never even opened!! The girlfriend I mentioned above decided she wanted to try painting with acrylics. Well, I have some training so I helped her, and now she’s painting almost daily and getting quite good! Meanwhile I’m doing nothing.
We both have horses and enjoy riding. I even managed to start my yearling (now 14) so that I could be the first one to ride him. She hasn’t exactly done that, but she’s been interested in working with horses for years and has gotten quite good at it. I have enough knowledge and talent, but it’s not something that interests me because it’s so repetitive. Still, I wish I could have that kind of discipline and was able to enjoy it. I still love to ride, and I have my horse in training. I take a lesson on him once a week, and he’s amazing, and we’re doing great together. Most people would want to show, but not me.
And now I have this wonderful young dog. There was a time when I would have had him in all kinds of classes, but recently I dropped out of beginning obedience because it was a fairly long drive (about 50 minutes) each way, and meant my husband and I were getting home kind of late (for us). In the past I was able to find classes during the afternoon or within a short distance from home, but I’m not motivated enough to go out in the evening. But another friend drives over an hour for her classes and they start at 7:30 p.m.! I feel like such a loser, and so limited by inability to find the drive, energy and stick to it attitude my other friends have.
Right now it’s 8:30 a.m., and as is typical, I’m starting my day in a fog. I can waste a couple of hours just sitting at the table reading emails and writing to friends, etc. I was prescribed a generic Adderall, which is basically amphetamine, and that seems to help get me going. But why wouldn’t it; it’s a stimulant.
I’m just about ready to ask for a low dose antidepressant, but I can’t even see a therapist until September because there are no openings. Not only that, they keep giving me generics which don’t work.
And now I’m just about over the worst cold sore EVER!!! It was huge, and I’ve never had anything like it. They say stress can get them going, but how can you not be stressed with something like that?!
Sorry this is so long and rambling, and I realize I’m just venting. I’d love to talk to a therapist now; not months from now.