To be honest, I get tired of all the excuses for bad behavior! My family has a history of ADHD, and my dad was the worst. However, he was not mean to my mom or any of us kids. Okay, it’s frustrating and sometimes it’s hard to be aware of how we are impacting ourselves and others, BUT it’s not like we’re completely oblivious!!
When you grow up with ADD/ADHD you don’t know that it’s not “normal.” However, you DO know that being a jerk isn’t acceptable. I know this isn’t what you probably want to hear NonADDspouse, but he sounds like he has other issues besides ADHD. My brother also has it pretty badly, but he still manages to have a good relationship with his wife and kids. I don’t know your situation, but if it were me, I’d be looking for a way out of the marriage. Maybe a separation is all it would take? But, he’s being a jerk, and you don’t need to put up with it. Sometimes the best thing you can do for someone who is behaving this way is to stop allowing them to do it to you.
My heart goes out to you.