I just ended a two year relationship with a man who has undiagnosed, untreated, unacknowledged ADHD. My ex-husband had ADD. From my exhaustive research and therapy sessions, I would say that the denial from your spouse is because ADHD sufferers very often have trouble with seeing the “end result”, or “consequence” of an action. They are not compelled to change behaviour, negative as it may be considered to others, unless there is a direct consequence. My ex did not stop texting and driving despite numerous ticket violations/fines and nagging from me, until he totalled his vehicle. The money it cost him, woke him up. He also had tickets for drunk driving, and last year he drove home in a nearly unconscious state and vomited into the toilet. After he registered the shock from me, he stopped the drunk driving, but did not stop the drinking. In fact, a few months ago, he drank so much he came home and defecated on the floor of my house. I know from my readings, that often ADHD sufferers go through multiple marriages before it registers they have a problem. So I knew I had to give him a consequence: my leaving. He chose to keep drinking. I had to leave.
A friend of mine is an alcoholic. She can drink a litre of scotch a night. She wakes up feeling perky and fine, no hangover. She says because of this lack of consequence, she continues her toxic behaviour, even though she knows deep down it’s not healthy and will kill her. It’s the same with the ADHD sufferers who are in denial. The shame of admitting the problem is too much. They must lose the relationship / marriage , and sometimes that doesn’t even change them. My ex’s denial ran too deep. he refused medication, even though he realized the stupidity of pouring alcohol into his body. He lost me, a lovely family and a beautiful home. Without active therapy and a medication program, I believe there is no hope for a relationship with someone with severe ADHD. No hope at all.