Reply To: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating?

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#48869
magicleap
Participant

Lornagillians, I appreciate your response. I’m not oppose to substances but I feel like he is so different. When he’s on nicotine it’s almost as if there’s no emotions. He talks and functions and goes to work, but there doesn’t seem to be any feeling with exception towards our daughter – sometimes I feel the love, but it’s as he if he focuses only on her. When he quit a long time ago I was surprised to see someone new. I mean sure he was an ass for the first week after but then he was just different. Then he switched to marijuana – it was obvious he needed something. But the marijuana, though it made him spacey, also made him seem happy and generally calm. All of this was before our daughter. Then when he’s required to hold down a job he goes back to nicotine. After our daughter things seemed okay, then he had started a new job and at some point got sick and stopped smoking marijuana and went back to smoking e-cigs. I could tell something was going on. I convinced him to start the marijuana again but the e-cigs are still in the picture.

I try not to take it personally – though sometimes it’s hard to watch how capable he is of connecting with our daughter but not me. The hardest is when I try to assert myself and do things for me – he tries to make me feel guilty or actively control. As if I have to ask him for permission. It hurts me that he doesn’t respect me enough to trust my judgement or understand my autonomy. I know he needs it too and I never call him out I every time he disappears so he can sit on the computer and smoke and just be away from us. Because I am Understanding. And yet if I want to go do something with friends there are times he gets angry about it. Other times I go and he doesn’t seem angry but I came home and I feel the coldness and distance. I don’t want to do things without him – I’d rather go to a concert or hiking or a movie with him. But he just can’t do any of those things. I do t know how to talk to him anymore…