Reply To: how do I talk to my undiagnosed husband about his self medicating?

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#48107
lornagillians
Participant

Magicleap, I am so sorry for your distress. I can certainly relate to it. Please read the comments I have left below, regardng my current manfriend and my family. All I can say is, I do believe it must be hell for these people who feel like a square peg in a round hole, and have to try to fit in and live with their mental health conditions. I never understood where my husband was coming from, because he was never diagnosed with the Aspergers (it wasn’t really heard of when he was younger), but it is quite clear to me now, reading about it, that he does have it – and a subsequent girlfriend, after we separated, diagnosed him. She was an ex-teacher. If I had known before, maybe I could have made more allowances for him. He was very much a “loner” and spent hours and hours in his shed, doing goodness knows what, and walking alone. He had already spent years and years re-building and modernizing our old cottage, keeping the cars going, as well as having a really demanding, high-powered job as a consulting engineer, working abroad a lot. An amazing man!! And an excellent husband in many, many respects. There will never be another man like him, for me. But not much of a lover!! – I lived in an emotional wilderness all our married life – hardly any intimacy. He showed his love in other ways – working hard and supporting his family – and he would have died for them, I know. I now seem to have ended up with another one who has ADHD. I can sure pick them!! That all being said, what to do with your man? It appears that you DO love him and want to make a go of it. I can only say something I learnt recently, which helps a lot – “Q-TIP” – “Quit Taking it Personally”. It is NOT personal to you – it is the condition that makes him like he is. Try not to be so sensitive to his moods, etc. Let it ride over you – rise above it. Keep calm. Walk away. Look up “BeIrrisistable” on the web for insights into relationships with men – very helpful. Try to make a life of your own (with him in it as well, of course!), but get some hobbies, get some girlfriends, get out and do things for yourself on your own – away from him and the children. FOR YOUR SANITY. You need to keep things in perspective and keep strong for the sake of the family. If the cannabis helps him, maybe that is the answer for him. I believe it is sometimes prescribed as medication – I don’t know. You’d have to look it up. By all means, try to get him to go to counselling, as Suzy says. You may well find that better communication will help enormously. I just regret, now, that I did not try to communicate more with my ex-husband. But his response to my suggestion of counselling was “Why do we need to bother with that if we are breaking up?”. Stalemate!!
I wish you all the very best. Keep strong, and keep smiling – a sense of humour definitely helps!! And forums like this are invaluable. Love and hugs! Lorna