Home › Welcome to the ADDitude Forums › For Spouses & Loved Ones › If you could go back in time and do it all over again, would you? › Reply To: If you could go back in time and do it all over again, would you?
This is tough question for me because right now, my husband’s ADHD has been creating a lot of problems for us. My husband wasn’t forthcoming about his ADHD, preferring to let me figure it out after we were married, even though he was diagnosed and treated throughout his childhood. Fortunately, my husband does not have angry outbursts directed at me, but sometimes, he gives me a surly teenager attitude. I’ve worked hard to try to understand ADHD, but he has been less eager to discuss how his ADHD has impacted me. I’ve suggested that he go to see someone, that he resume his medication (if he think it will help to address some of the issues that have become problematic for us – namely forgetfulness, lack of follow-through, and mood swings that lead to near mania on his part), or that he and I both work with an ADHD coach to figure out how to prevent some of these issues from pushing us to the breaking point. There are moments when I think “what did I get myself into?” and when I get angry that he didn’t share his ADHD with me upfront. Then there are moments when I love his playful attitude and his enthusiasm for things that interest him. Recently, I’ve trying to focus on seeing him as a person, with ADHD as just one part of who he is, and not something that exists outside of him. I’ve also tried to force conversations with him that will help me understand which things he does are the result of his ADHD and which are not. For example, this weekend, he was practically bouncing off the walls and acting overly-excited and silly about things. I asked him if he thought his behavior was due to his ADHD and he said, yes and that he could feel the difference himself. In an ideal state, he’d be able to recognize those moments himself or even figure out what his triggers are (he had taken a sleeping pill the night before and I think the change in his brain chemistry might have had the opposite effect on him when it wore off). Ultimately, however, I can only encourage and cajole so much and being in the parent role, instead of in the partner / spouse role has been trying. I’ve had to reexamine my own expectations for our relationship several times already and we haven’t even been married for a year.