I myself am an adult with ADHD that never seemed to tone down from childhood. I was just catching up on reading articles on the matter this morning and found something particularly interesting. This article I had just read moments before spotting your post should offer some insight for your husband. It is about something called RSD “Rejection-Sensitive-Dysphoria.
I will say, the more you learn about ADHD, the better you can handle him, but I do hope he has been dabbling in the knowledge as well, as it can offer him more aid to understand how his own thoughts, habits, and emotions are not only difficulties he has to bear, but there are many of us that have the same problems and work to overcome them.
My fiance seems to read something new every few weeks and tells me what she’s learned. I usually already know what she reads, but it comforts me to see her working so hard to understand me. RSD is something quite real, and I have been dealing with it my entire life. Only now do I know what it is and why it happens. It has been so bad that I nearly broke off my engagement with the love of my life due to the irrational fear of her disapproving and hating me, or of me forgetting how to love her because I have tended to lock out people and things in my life that can hurt me.
I will say, my relationship is special. I am a “here and now” hyper-focusing, goalless man with problems reading social cues, and my fiance is a worry wort about the future and really puts me in my place sometimes. To have someone who can provide structure and support is endearing for someone with ADHD, but sometimes I really need a slap on the wrist from her because my different way of seeing things often leaves me upset at silly things. Also, I tend to not recognize things and people around me and just do what I want: she puts me in my place, I get devastated because of it, and she then reassures me right after. It’s a terrible thing that it hurts to be criticized so much by the one I love, but she has helped me keep perspective in the back of my mind. Every time I get upset at silly things, I think to myself “What would Kayla think?”, and I then think of how she would tell me I’m being irrational and the shame helps me move on, haha.
Well, I kind of went on about myself quite a bit, but I suppose personal experience is often warranted when advice is needed.
Good luck on your issue, cwhite12,
It can be a struggle, but the conflict of a story makes the happy ending much more rewarding.