This reply was originally posted by user adhdmomma in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
I agree 100% with @wsllbe —
“‘trial by fire’ hinges on the attitude that suffering the consequences will motivate the individual to do better next time. But, what if they can’t?”
Punishment (punishing consequences) doesn’t address the reason for the unwanted behavior, so it doesn’t change that behavior long-term. Just failing/punishing and never addressing the root cause will lead to worsening self-esteem.
I also agree with Coach Joyce that we can’t do everything for our kids either, as that leads to learned helplessness. I think the middle ground is teaching skills and coping mechanisms that address the root issue, while supporting (reminders, etc) that these skills and coping mechanisms are implemented.
ADDconnect Moderator, Author on Parenting ADHD, Mom to teen boy with ADHD, LDs, and autism