Reply To: Struggling to cope

Hope @ ADDitude

This reply was originally posted by user Dal82 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

There are many good points that people have added and those who are the partners shadowed in our daily chaos (yep, I’m an ADHDer) are often left drained and exhausted from the burden of being forced to bring the order and pick up the scattered trail of half finished tasks on a daily basis. Friend, when we’re at our worst, we’re your personal cyclone that targeted your house and left everyone’s backyard in pristine condition. For that alone, you have every right to ask the big questions. As unfair as it is, we’d be lost without partners like you so vent away!

On another note, don’t let this be a life sentence for you. The process is hard and meds do bring awareness but like others have said, it’s not the answer to it all. A psychologist who specialises in the area becomes our life coach. It’s important (like all disorders) that you find one your soon-to-be-hubby clicks with. Mine has taught me life skills, why I think the way I do, essential vitamins, SLEEP and how bringing a sense of order is hard work but enables us to stand tall. And once we learn that and accept that it doesn’t come naturally but especially now, we hear who we are and how to manage ourselves.

ADHD or not—your partner has a responsibility to look out for you too. I’m sure he is great: unorganised, forgetful, child-like… but spontaneous, intuitive and creative, right? Once diagnosed, go to therapy together so you’re not learning how to work around him but he learns how to work around you.

Look, relationships are hard even before taking on a role but I certainly do think that there is a way to work it out. Hell, I’m a single father and my relationship ended- much because of these very reasons (we’ve moved on and remain close friends). You’re doing the right thing by getting answers before jumping in and even though my ex-wife and I have no intentions of getting back together, I put her through a lot when undiagnosed. Without her, I’d have just kept going round and round.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide. I hope you learn how to support each other because it’s your relationship too x