This reply was originally posted by user Philippe in ADDitude’s now-retired community.
The balance is not between the bad in ADHD and the good, but between contrasting feelings towards a person. My ADHD partner loves her 3 children and suffers very much for all her shortcomings towards them. I hear every word said about false promises and the like, but I know for sure that ADHD is not an excuse for her, but a source of suffering.
I love her, and our children feel that love I have for her and the love she has for me, and this is something positive. My partner also brought very concrete positive things into our couple and our family, sometimes thanks to the creative touch of ADHD, sometimes in spite of it.
To put it in a nutshell, the partner of an ADHD person should think whether or not she/he accepts ADHD and all its symptoms – hopefully trying to do something about it—or whether this is too much. I love my partner as a whole woman and AHDH is not part of her character as a person, but a dysfunctioning, a handicap. It is to me to decide whether I’m ready to accept this handicap for the love of the person.
ADHD is not an excuse, this is my conclusion.