Reply To: Adhd or just being mean

Hope @ ADDitude

This reply was originally posted by user bffj in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

I am so sorry. I have been with with my add husband 18 years and two kids later. The ADHD only gets worse with time in my opinion, as adult responsibilities increase with kids and over time. You end up picking up the balls, being the financial provider, and doing well over half of all else. You cant rely on them for anything to get done consistently so you do it. The only consistency is that they are inconsistent. You get tired of feeling the weight of the world on your shoulders and like you have a third dependent child to provide and care for that is your adult husband. You don’t feel like you have an equal adult responsible partner. That alone is tough.The daily morning and any and all other time bad moods, ups and downs, endless needless lash outs towards either you or later your sweet innocent kids, whom are way more than forgiving than me. The lash outs stimulate the add partner into feeling good again while you are constantly feeling their wreckage. However, you are the problem in their eyes, you are constantly blamed for the lash outs and all of their poor mean irritable behavior and decisions, actions or inactions always and forever. Oh and the “miscommunications ” too. They constantly misunderstood you or others; when they forget again to do something or the time of an event or make another mistake and ball drop. After all, they are the “victims”. They truly believe it is you; you are mean or too sensitive or the problem and source of the daily conflicts. When in actuality you are (on the rare occasions that you actually speak up for you or your kids and can’t grin and bear it) just reacting to their actions. It is crazy0making horrible and beyond depressing. Run for your life literally. They attach to you, become codependent and never will leave. After all, they have the life. You do 90% of providing, paying, planning, take them on vacations, pay the bills timely, and always pick up their messes.

My husband has lied over and over to cover mistakes, lost our kids health insurance, lied about demotions, you name it. He is in so much debt from unpaid bills that I had no idea about and failed to be able pay our mortgage to the point we would have lost the house had i not used my savings and money to pick up his failed obligations to pay. Now I financially separated us on all so my kids and house are protected from his debts , to the IRS included,. He finally gets a job and he works the minimum hours possible, not busting it al all, despite all of the financial disaster he created. Barely 9 to 4 and leaves a lot at lunch to shop or workout….

All the while, I am busting it at work daily weekly weekends, to support his failings and my increased resulting financial obligations, working hard all day and networking 1 to 3 or 4 nights a week, working a few hours most weekends, while he watches TV with my oldest son or hangs out.