Reply To: Planning for Children with My ADHD Husband

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#41155
Hope @ ADDitude
Keymaster

This reply was originally posted by TE3824 in ADDitude’s now-retired community.

Ugh – I hate to add fuel to the fire here but you MUST understand that you are exactly right in your thought that you will be a single parent of two children (baby and husband). If he’s like mine – your husband will help when told but NOTHING will occur to him without direction. The early years where instinct is everything (because the kids can’t tell you anything) are very hard. As the kids get older (school age) it gets easier because you and the kids become a team and you need his help less and less. And they can ask him directly when they need something (and can’t find me – they always try to find me first). Having said all this – he loves the kids and they love him. When he finds something that he’s interested in with the kids he is wonderful. Honestly they don’t really know that he has ADHD – they just think that if something needs to be done you go to Mom and that sometimes you can bug Dad enough that he’ll do something fun. As they’ve never known anything else they just think this is normal.

I work full time and I think this is part of the problem (we need my salary). It’s simply too much to manage the house, the kids, my husband and myself while working full time. I lost my job for a few months and it was the happiest we’d been in a long time. With the kids in school and me not working I had enough time to pick up all the things that he routinely drops and because I wasn’t working I could do it without resentment. But this was only because the kids were in school all day. If I had been at home with kids it would be the same as working full time.

Managing a house and taking care of kids and managing his ADHD is too much for most people. If you really want to have kids with him please consider ways now that you can have lots of help. You won’t get it from him – you’ll get lots of promises (because he likely truly does want to be a good father) but he won’t be able to follow through on them. Can you afford a babysitter for a few hours every day? Do you have family that can drop the kids off to on a regular schedule? Trust me – these are critical to surviving kids with someone with ADHD.