I feel you. I am female and realized one year ago that my husbands adhd had such an impact on me. And that i probably have it too (in a more girly form, so different from most male adhd, no wonder you feel lost).
The book “ADHD impact on marriage” by Melissa Orlov was just a continuous “ahaaaaaa” forme. And i cried so much realizing all the patterns that we had in our broken communication. Realizing that my burnout from work and pregnancy and that was lasting despite 1,5 years of maternity leave (heya Sweden) was also very much a “i moved in with and adhd guy four years ago” burnout.
It is clear from your message that you are in a difficult place. There is always hope and possibly for a beautiful live together with ypur husband if he too realizes how bad the situation is. Orlov’s book is my only tip to you.
Giant hugs of compassion to you, i hope there is light at some point at the end of this tunnel for all of us.