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I’m sorry I don’t any advice, but I had to comment because this sounds so similar to my wife. She doesn’t realize all the things I do behind the scenes because she is focused on some game on her phone and I need to manage the house. I don’t think she is able to empathize my feelings. I have been doing our laundry for 15 yrs and now our 3 kids too. She has done the laundry from start to finish( folded and lit away) less than 20 times in 10 yrs. Bur she will get upset if she does the laundry and I don’t make a big deal about it even though I’ve been doing it myself for years. She doesn’t seem to see the hypocrisy that I atleast feel.
I’m not saying this to come off in a positive light. I’m just frustrated and your story resonated. My wife has improved and grown a lot in the last year. Medication for her has been tricky, but positive. I realize ADHD is real, but as a spouse it can be frustrating for the most patient of people.