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I am reading your post as if you are writing about my own situation. Although I have been in relationship with my partner on and off for over 15 years, I have only recently came across this website. Like yourself, I have understood that something was fundamentally wrong with the way he relates to me, and others, and sadly have also gone down the path of thinking and accusing him of narcissistic behaviors.
I have to tell you that our relationship has been beyond challenging – to say the least! He is a wonderful man with many unique talents and have chosen time and again to work things out with him, despite the limitations. I am now armed with an understanding that his brain is wired differently. I have no doubt that he is ADHD with rejection sensitivity. You must be independent, balanced, emotionally stable and strong to be on a life journey with someone like my partner. I have urged him to better understand himself so that he can take some responsibility for his part in the way he relates to me.
At this time, I have decided to take us to the Amen Clinic for SPECT scans. I simply have no idea how to have this conversation with him, because he is HIGHLY defensive and misperceives constructive criticism as if i were physically attacking him.
Hopefully it will be a start to having some dialogue.
Good luck to you, and I’ll be checking this blog for advice from others, as well.