Reply To: Marriage Heading into Separation before Diagnosed with ADHD

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pjb3
Participant

I appreciate the responses from all the above, it has been a little over a month since I have posted.

We are now officially separated as she wanted to move forward with the agreement, while over the last 6 weeks we have been able to communicate on a whole new level, which is has been good especially with 2 young boys.

Having said that, that pain I have caused over the 3.5 years seems to be too much for her to ever get over, and has mentioned she just isn’t in love with me anymore. I wouldn’t be in love with that person either, now understanding how I shut down and looked to flight during all tough situations. While I only see her, when she drops off the boys, for my time with them during week 2(overnights) per week. The whole relationship has been all about me there is no denying that as I see it clear as day, and has been stated over and over to me recently that “don’t you hear yourself it is still all about you” while it is not my intention to do that my newfound ability to have deeper conversations I guess comes off like this. I am afraid to bring up anything I have learned about ADD and quite frankly I don’t know what to talk to her about or how to handle conversations especially when there so distractions going on (drop off of kids) I have recently mentioned this to her. When I bring them back to her house, she mentions that maybe we can talk tonight 7-9 pm, as many know by that time in the day it can be tough meds have worn off, me second-guessing myself about how to present things bc I don’t want it to come off about myself, I become paralyzed essentially and don’t even know where to start as I feel it’s my only real chance to open up to my wife to help her understand who I am what I struggle with. I have asked her what she struggles with who is she what are her insecurities in herself and life, while I intend to direct it towards her bc that’s what it’s about for me, she feels like I’m trying to question her and “diagnosed her”

In short, I was ok getting separated during the process of it all I thought it would make me happier. I wanted her to be happier bc deep down I knew I couldn’t because I felt nothing and couldn’t understand why and who I was and why I fail all the time. (until recent diagnosis) I look back and dove deep into my past, I haven’t fought for anything or was always been scared to because the fear of rejection and failure in all aspects of life (RSD) no doubt took over my life. Recently I have been told by my parents about why I was held back in 3rd grade because I wasn’t reading on the necessary level, and that when I was 14 (37 now) I was tested by a psychologist and his findings came back as “I hear Spanish when everyone around me is speaking English” ” He stated its a processing issue and that just more time on a test would be the answer and when I would get into the “real world” I would have time to complete tasks. The learning Disability has def taken a toll throughout.

.. I have been told you have never fought for us after all this pain. “You didn’t try to win me back” — I fear the inevitable of divorce as when I become frustrated recently I have stated that.

Which is wrong of me, bc it’s just another flight response. But it seemed to be what she was waiting to hear.

I have attached a recent email for all to read that I sent in the hope to take baby steps in the process. (I have not heard back yet)

Thanks for taking the time to read this post, and hope to hear from all who have advice, constructive criticism to help me grow and those who have been in this situation who have gotten through it,

Hey

Just wanted to send you a quick email, in hopes to help understand you better.

There is no question “maybe we are just too different” that was said on Saturday night as we were talking.

I believe it is what originally attracted us together as we knowingly saw these things in one another without actually verbally stating them to each other at the time of how different we were.

However the “different” (minus these last 6 weeks) isn’t what you saw back then I imagine.. the different is all the pain I have caused and the thoughts in your brain and journal you live with each and every day that was placed there by me and you not understanding how and why I didn’t seem care after it being brought up to my attention on multiple occasions. or not follow through on things continued broken promises and trust.
Not addressing tough situations head-on, shying away from conflict, avoiding. All these things that I dumped on you. I know it’s all you know to date and the pain you feel. I guarantee you it will be different.

over these last 6 weeks, the ability to know and truly understand what/how/why/when/who …caused this pain to not provide or do the littlest needs for you to the biggest needs in everyday life.

It’s my hopes as time continues to fly by us and the boys get older by the second, 6 weeks will soon be 6 months to 6 years, and so on..that your belief in me gets stronger with each passing day knowing you’ll never feel those again.

I also want to continually know more and deeper about who you are how this has changed you from who you were before. how and why you think now what is your vision of life, family happiness… This is my top priority

A couple of things I was hoping you would be willing to try.

If you would be up for it because we only see each other now in drop-offs with the kids I was wondering if you would like to try a once a week “video zoom date” during my schedule and the kids napping. It can just be for 20-30 mins. Each week maybe we can throw around different ideas of what you would like to speak about.

I was also hoping to put some work in together in couples’ therapy via zoom as of now (bc of covid-19) that works well with both our schedules…