Reply To: Too much arguing, will it change? Adhd boyfriend

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#185014
LHurt
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Thank you for replying @leftie22 , I am a leftie too!

We are in therapy at the moment, and after a year of reminders and me saying how important it’ll be, he has started going to his own personal ADHD specialist therapy too.
So he used to be much angrier, and I was patient and calm and tried to de-escalate so that has calmed down which is good. He is still so defensive, frustrated, stubborn and I find him quite dominating/dictating/controlling and patronising during our arguments as well as immature, almost like a teen boy who isn’t getting his way. I have over the last 6 month have started to feel mad and resentful because of the consistency of him just being utterly unreasonable in those times. This doesn’t help obviously and I’m sure I’m making it worse. Mostly I am saying ‘you’re not listening to me properly’ as he has a habit to just go from A-Z and miss all in between and brings up a million things to defend and reflect and we end up in this cycle (which I’ve read about a lot). It’s very confusing. We do call breaks, however more often too late. I am already very hurt. He has been working on his defensive issue for about a year and a half now, with little, but not much luck.
It’s hard because the rest of the time we are a great partnership, get along so well. It just seems to flick a switch in him and he’s a different person when he starts to feel frustrated and defensive.
We are the best of the best, and the worst of the worst. I cry a lot and often consider not continuing the relationship. But it’s just so hard when literally the rest of the time is fantastic. It’s so annoying, because if we can just fix this, it’ll be fine! We can tackle the other stuff.

When I tell him I am feeling depressed, and fed up and and I want to be with him but the relationship is making me sad, he tells me that he is sorry to hear, and that my feelings are in my control, not his.

Sometimes I do feel like I have to coach him how to treat and talk to people nicely, but he doesn’t talk to anyone else like this. He is quite quiet and hides his hyperactive self. Except for what I can imagine his last relationships were like (I know there was lots of arguing in them too, and he has told me.)

He is also as I said, willing to work on it, wants to go to therapy to work this out because he loves me so much and really wants us to work out, I believe it. He is so loving. But it’s just so confusing when he becomes so.. immature.