Reply To: Did I do something wrong?

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Adults Relationships Did I do something wrong? Reply To: Did I do something wrong?


I wouldn’t say you are wrong, but it sounds like you both communicated poorly on what you both need from each other. Your wife is clearly needing something from you if she feels like you are “forgetting you are married”. But she approached it in a way that is not respecting your need for routine and that made you feel powerless having someone else making decisions for you. So you responded defensively – worrying about your own needs and not hearing hers. Maybe if she had said “We haven’t spend much quality time together lately and I miss that and really need some quality time together right now. I’d like for us to take a drive somewhere tomorrow. Where we’re going would be a surprise”. You may have said “OK” then had the chance to be included in planning other details such as time to leave, etc. But I do think it would have been wrong for you to just give in to her pushy way of making plans for you without your involvement. That may given her what she wanted, wouldn’t address your needs and would reinforce the poor way she communicated. When she found that it worked, she’d continue the same pattern. You could have responded better, maybe “I’d love to go for a drive, but remember with my ADHD, I don’t do well with changes in my routine or sudden surprises and I really need some sleep. Why don’t we skip the alarm and when we both wake up, we’ll go out for brunch and a drive.” There are definitely better ways for you both to communicate that would have resulted in fun day for both of you. Now you need to figure out a way to apologize to her and let her know you care about her and her needs, but you also want her to understand why you reacted poorly and how in the future, she can communicate her needs in a way that still respects yours. And be sure you take her on that drive and many more.