I just want to say my heart goes out to you during this time, and I would like to pray for you if that’s ok (Christian lady here).
I’m ADD 37 mum of 3 and I’m going through a terrible time to, very different to yours. You can get through this and you will, this too shall pass.
Sounds to me that hubby is still dealing with the diagnoses, this takes time and (for me anyway), it is easy to think “I’m lacking, not complete, something is wrong with me and I’m stupid” but this is very wrong.
I also have had the explosive angry issue, I thought it was just the ADD but a few years back now I went to councilling and worked through some issues regarding people who hurt me, once I let go of that my explosive anger came much more managable and a lot less frequent.
I think your husband needs a lot of positive renforcement right now, try and build him up with lots of good words, take sometime to think of his good aspects and tell him about them and also good words for every day tasks. A lot of ADD people struggle with depression and low self worth, it might be a good idea to chat to your Dr about him going on antidepressants for a while, this too can take a few goes to get right, but can really help. I am taking them due to being a stay a home mum, I am more balanced when I am mentally challanged ie working, house work is very draining for me because I am not being stimulated. When I go back to work I plan on going off my Antidepressants.
Look into your husbands “Love Language” there is 5 – words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service, physical touch and quality time – if you know this it will help to build him up (google it there is a book). Make sure he has something to do around the house, try and make it stimulating, honestly a daily to do list might help him. He needs stimualtion and a purpose right now, maybe an online course or youtube how to do something he is interested in (for instance I have started to learn Auslan this week on youtube because i’m bored) Watch his diet a lot of ADD are diet
sensitive, do a bit of research on this.
Encourage him to let his anger out productively, maybe a journal for him to write in, or paints for him to attack a canvas, you know him well, talk to him calmly and lovingly when he’s calm about his anger and brainstorm an activity for him to let out his feelings. People with ADD tend to have a way with words that can cut badly when anger (which they regret deeply afterwards), talk to him calmly about this and the need to find a safe way to let his anger out. (My 6yr old ADHD son currently has a pillow to beat up)
encourage him to check out this website, ADD people love to learn and like to learn about their ADD, this site is very good and very helpful.
Also, he might act like he doesn’t want to come to mum’s appointment but more then likely he does, he’s just scared, encourage him to come even if he doesn’t go into the Dr office and waits outside, or ask him to have dinner on the table when you and mum come home, it will help him feel like he is there for mum. He probably feels bad about not going.
Take time for yourself, go for a walk along the beach, dance to your fav song, write in journal, take some time out daily (If you can) for you even if it’s just 10 min, you need to take care of yourself.
I’m sorry you’re going through this, it will be better.