Reply To: Non ADHD Spouse – What can I do?

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#180470
PennySmiles58
Participant

Thank you AdeleS546 and PennyWilliams for taking the time to share. I have done extensive reading, so most of this stuff I have read in some fashion or another. Reading it again is helpful for understanding though. If you are willing, there are these two areas where I am really stuck on a need for practical guidance:

PARENTING
I understand that I cannot design a system that works for an ADHD brain. However, is there any guidance out there on how to co-parent with an ADHD spouse? In other areas of our life, I can separate myself from the fall-out of his ADHD symptoms, but in parenting it is very complex, because it is not just he and I. The kids and anyone involved in their schedule (i.e. teachers, caregivers, friends, family) are reaching out to me for help. Practically speaking:

–What do the boundaries look like that allow him to figure out how to manage his parental responsibilities in a way that works for him?
–Are there some parental responsibilities that an ADHD person simply cannot handle? For example, I know that he cannot work and care for our kids at the same time, so I hire childcare when I know there is a chance work will reach out to him. He does not know/believe that he cannot handle it. Are there other things that I need to outsource, if it can be afforded?

OUR RELATIONSHIP
I have started to schedule more time with my friends and more time to recharge by myself, but I miss our relationship. The things I have read on this are not particularly helpful. One can only tell oneself so many times that “he isn’t rejecting me,” but if he is not initiating time together and he forgets, is too tired or simply isn’t available when I initiate, there is no way to not feel rejected.

— How do I stay close with someone who is not mentally present for most of the time?
— Do I just have to accept that an ADHD husband is no longer capable of a regularly close relationship once kids are involved and careers are stressful?

Thank you for any thoughts or articles you are willing to take the time to share.