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I agree with the above post from judiro. Ignore the suggestions from “chino”. Catering to an abuser will not fix the problem. He is an adult, and only HE can address his issues. If he is an alcoholic, he needs to admit it, and get help.
I would never tell anyone how to live their life. I will tell you what I did in my marriage. ADHD or not, there is no excuse for abusive behavior…PERIOD.
Catering to him with only continue the cycle of codependency, and give him Carte Blanche to do what he wants.
I was the meek little wifey who smoothed things over, because I feared my husband’s rageful outbursts. It didn’t work. He took advantage of my kind nature, and I let him. My needs were not even a consideration, and he was minimally involved with raising our two children.
Things went from bad to worse, and I sank into a deep depression that lasted for years. Because it went on behind closed doors, my family and friends didn’t know about it. I finally took a stand and left him after 20 years together. It was a toxic relationship and I didn’t want our children to be affected by what they would eventually see. I was afraid that our son would grow up to treat women like crap, and that our daughter would think that this was what all men were like.
I agree that you should focus on healing yourself and on your children. Focusing on your self isn’t selfish, it is necessary to be a good Mom and a healthy person. Life is complicated for all of us due to the pandemic, but do you have a professional you could speak with, a counselor or pastor?