Reply To: Im really struggling with my partner who has adhd

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#174540
Eandoma
Participant

Hi. My reply may not be helpful, but as a non add whose SO is…I feel I can give you some things to think about. You said you felt he was “a bit much”. What does that mean? As a reader, I hear that there were already issues/red flags for you, but you have been single for so long you decided to jump in. I believe love is a choice and you say you fell madly in love with him. What was it about him after such a short amount of time that you felt him worthy of giving him your love? But now he’s not? I feel the problem is that time was not taken to see if he is compatible with you. If you don’t live with someone who has add, it’s easy to dismiss the quirks and eccentricities as cute and “just the way they are” while dating. I can totally understand that you are at your wits end and he may well be too as you are now in his space and it sounds as if there’s no collaboration or healthy communication at all. My SO and I have been together for 8 yrs. I have and continue to have a laid back attitude with his time blindness, him doing 10 things at a time, the started and unfinished projects, the dishes piling up, his office that looks like a bomb went off, his replying to 50% of my comments or questions… I know he is not his add. It’s something he has and he has to deal with it on a daily basis. I cannot imagine what his brain is like….I just know it differs from mine. But isn’t that what makes us individuals? You wrote you do everything in the house. Why? What did his house look like before you moved in? I’m going to guess an organized mess but you chose to ignore it coz he was a single guy? You say he hardly hugs you? Why does it matter who initiates a hug? Why does he fly off the handle? What does he throw in your face? Btw, a lot of people don’t like when their SO cries…it can feel manipulative. You say you are reading a lot about add/adhd. What are you reading? It’s important to understand it’s an executive functioning issue. Think of it like this…a company has many different jobs/positions and with those comes a lot of information. But in order for the company to run well there needs to be a CEO in charge. The add brain has all the information, but lacks the ceo to make it a well run system. Through trial and error I learned to have a loving relationship with my SO. It’s been work, but I decided a while ago what was important and what wasn’t. I continue to stress that we are a team, not you vs me. I do not nag, complain or push. If I want or need something I ask. I do not judge. My SO has changed a lot in our time together. We make agreements so needs continued to be met. For example after intimacy, he agreed to not roll over or leave the bed for 10 mins… Or while we go for a walk, he agreed to not take his phone….and if he forgets, I can say in a jovial way “honey, remember, we have an agreement that…..”. . It works for us. Before the agreement it was me whining “why can’t you just stay and cuddle? Why do you just get up right after? Why can’t you walk without your phone? What is more important on you phone than me when we are walking?” He would always get defensive with me “attacking” his behavior/choices. It’s once I learned that there was no ceo in charge telling him to stay in bed, keep the phone at home and therefore causing him mental anguish. We have many agreements and for us they work. 8/10x he remembers, but when he doesn’t, a gentle touch on the hand and reminding him of the agreement is all it takes. Hope this in some way is helpful.