You did explain yourself well. And fresh questions too.
Yes, I know this hits home for women. Just internet search for “wedding depression” and you will find tons of similar stories out there. My favorite one for perspective was a girl complaining about the color of the sand at her beach wedding. The detail itself doesn’t matter, it’s the element in plays in the bride’s fantasy or expectations. Most women want the fairy tale feeling of “happily ever after”. That’s why at first, it was easy to normalize myself and then to move on. However, with the particular ADD brain that is prone to obsess and all the extra pressure I put on with behavior and appearance, I think there is a whole other level to it for me, which is why it comes back.
I like your advice about “playing the tape all the way through” and then thinking what would happen next. I actually have done that and it helps, but thought that maybe it was a little pathetic. Thanks for validating that! =)
I get afraid that I will get lost again and retriggered. There is definitely something deeper there and the more I fight wishing it wasn’t this event that made me analyze my attitude, it is. That’s what keeps me wishing for perfection at this point… so that I didn’t have flashbacks to how I felt when my anxiety gets triggered. But perfection IS the problem and the trigger so it’s a circular problem. sigh!
I am getting some self help books on perfection. I have actually read some self help books before with various degrees of success in applying them. They ARE helpful, I don’t know why they get a bad wrap.
I kind of wish I knew you personally after all this exchange. I thank you for reaching out from among the billions of people out there to give a little encouragement and help me on my way. That’s all we can do for each other as human beings, right? Help each other along in our journeys?
I hope you will continue to give yourself a break too. You sound like a nice guy!