There are two podcasts that break down this topic perfectly. I have the spotify links but you can search the titles on this website because they were both ADDitude experts webinar series.
The first: 5 stradegies to dealing with your ADHD spouse, the new diagnosis and the broken down communication leading up to her seeking help. There is a parent child, shame resentment anger avoidance cycle that us nicely explained with suggestions.
The other is how to teach Executive Functioning skills to kids. This really breaks down the core element of ADHD, there are 5 key components of Executive Function and lucky for people like myself, it is not a one sized fits all explanation. Having hyperfocused might be a great strength but when coupled with poor time management, it becomes a curse until the tools and strategies are put into place to support the areas of need.
My personal advice would be to ask her what she has found that clicked for her and offer to help her research and ask her what areas she feels compelled to learn more about.
IMHO, as someone diagnosed in their 30s, finally reading about someone else who could relate and feeling like I belonged and maybe overcome a cycle that has been filled with shame and depression makes it very easy to obsessively research. (Hey hon, lets listen to this on a podcast together while we clean up the living room or fold laundry, etc.)I know you have a lot of feelings too, my marriage nearly broke, but now we are stronger than we have ever been. Meds dont fix the problem, please dont think the pills are going to be a magic solution. Meds will however help her to regulate some of the impulsivity and put tools in place, build routines and new habits to help overcome the struggles she has likely been ostracized for her whole life. Give her space to learn and not feel shame and support (but not enable) her and your son, so they can build from here. You will all be stronger for it.
Good Luck, deep breaths. Your pain is real,and valid. You also deserve to he heard, but be cautious, she is likely not going to receive any “you” messages well blame and shame is deep seeded in adult diagnosis…. and LOTS of affirmations and celebrating the successes, no matter how small they might seem, positive momentum is key and really builds when you feel like the efforts and hard work are being appreciated. Its physiological changes, it is like learning to walk all over again. It will come with time.
I hope you are able to heal stronger as a family. I didn’t think it was possible, but we are better now than ever. You can be too. Take care of yourself. Love them and set healthy boundaries that will help you reduce feeling taken advantage of and allow them to experience the repercussions and accountability so they can grow and learn.