I have ADHD and my wife does not. I hope this helps:
ADHD is a real struggle (maybe it is harder for the non-adhd partner), but it is not an excuse, it is not a “free get out jail card”; it is only and always just an explanation.
Having said that, I can tell you this:
ADHD is not who we are, is what we have. There is a big difference: my ADHD does not define who I am.
I know that it must be hard for you to deal everyday with the ADHD symptoms of your wife.
The secret (at least for me) lies in realizing in your heart that the person with ADHD is so much more than those symptoms and show her that you believe it, as I said, having ADHD does NOT exempt us from the responsibility, but knowing that our partner values and loves us for what we really are is a very big incentive and frees our minds to work to do better next time.