Reply To: I need help – my husband cheated during the pandemic and left my children and I

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#172605
chino
Participant

How exactly do you know he’s cheating? Have you actually caught him in the act or have any evidence for it or are you just suspicious? We do stuff like that when we are frustrated and overloaded. Maybe marriage is not for him.

Disclaimer: I am writing this assuming you are willing to stick together despite the cheating, and that you’re willing to swallow your pride and keep the marriage together no matter what.

If you want to help him you must put aside judgement and patiently and gently ask him whats up. You must let him calm down. Before you can start working out problems you have to help him settle the emotional turmoil that’s within him. You can’t even imagine what it’s like.

Be gentle. I understand you are devastated and this will be hard to do, but try to be the girl he fell in love with. Be his sweetheart not his spouse for a while.

Remain composed and listen. Don’t nag, pass judgement, be passive aggressive, put him down. Do not under any circumstance compare him to anyone and ask him to “just be normal”. Don’t approach him with the “we need to talk” face. Lure him in with a homemade pie, a bottle of wine, maybe even sex. We are self indulgent and it works.

Once you’ve gotten him comfortable, ask him if everything is alright. Try to suggest something he might enjoy. Ask him if theres anything hed rather do. It is very likely that he is sick of his desk job. We aren’t fit for that. If he can’t change the job maybe he can do something in his free time that will bring him joy.

If he comes back to you and the kids you obviously matter to him. Never demand his undivided attention. He’s a person, not your dog. Let him spend his evenings in the garage fiddling with a car, or carving sculptures out of wood if it would make him happy. Encourage him to do what he loves. This will mean a lot to him.

Also, once you see that tension is building up, that he’s frequently cursing complaining whining, etc. its a crisis building up. Ask him if he’s alright. Don’t tell him that he “needs therapy” because “youre embarrassed by his behavior” or that “its not socially acceptable”. Gently suggest that he could get help if hes feeling bad. Make it about him, not anyone or anything else.

  • This reply was modified 6 months ago by chino.