I completely hear you. In a similar situation. My DH did take action to get onto ADHD medication. It was trial and error and still a few years later there can be times of inexcusable, abusive behavior. As this mainly happens when he is not on his meds / waiting for meds to kick in, I had put the abusive behavior down to ADHD. However, his specialist in no uncertain terms told him that the abusive behavior has nothing to do with ADHD.
Depending on the partner (as I do see success stories on the board), I feel that life with ADHD as either the ADHD or non ADHD spouse can be a real rollercoaster. Maybe things will change, but I think as non ADHD partners we need to decide if we can accept the rollercoaster or not and know that changing behavior takes a while. I also think we need to be aware that ADHD does not equal to abuse.
It’s easier said than done. I have not worked it out myself either, but know that you’re not alone in your experience and I hope that it can bring some comfort/courage x