Reply To: Inattentive ADHD type woman getting frustrated with Non-ADHD partner

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hayes
Participant

Mitt79

I’m the ADD (inattentive) partner here, and your story resonates a lot with me. Married a LONG time (28yrs) and diagnosed 18 yrs ago. It was tough for a while, but things have been better the last few years (I got the outside help I needed but was terrified to seek). One of the things we are known for is being hyper-critical of ourselves. To me, this is not a YOU problem – this is a partner problem! He has moved into what was primarily your space and routine (maybe not ideal, but worked for you), and now just wants to occupy it – really? He also doesn’t seem super supportive of your goals and dreams – something I’ve found is essential for us ADD folks to thrive. It’s taken my wife and I a long time to get to a place where we share things in the house/partnership (we have 21 & 18 yo kids), but we do support each other. We’ve also worked out some decent strategies for when I get distracted/overwhelmed/self-critical (you get the point here) that her suggestions don’t continue my own cycle of shutting down (that’s what I do).

I’m not sure why you’re giving him such a pass here. If he’s a partner, he should be looking for ways to be a complement to the areas you need support in – not criticizing the things you are good at (btw HUGE thumbs up on the Master’s degree pursuit! I’m a HS teacher who fought hard to get it). Is he the father of your children? If so, you might want/need some outside help/support to get to a place where you’re both on board with a shared vison of your relationship. Yes – you have ADD. But this one’s not on you – not completely anyway. Sounds like you’ve carved out a pretty cool life for you and your kids – you (and HE!) should be proud of that! Just thought I’d give my thoughts from ‘our side’ of the ADD aisle. Hope it goes well for you…

CHRIS