Reply To: She just suddenly disappeared. I can’t make sense of it…

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones She just suddenly disappeared. I can’t make sense of it… Reply To: She just suddenly disappeared. I can’t make sense of it…


I posted on here, two posts away from you under the same sub (similar concern), and I want to say your post resonated with me. I know the situation is not comparable since you’ve been dating this woman for almost a year but the behavior is kind of the same. My guy “disappeared” (been over 3 weeks now), and that’s the second time that has happened. First time he was stressed out from losses he was going through. Second time, he’s going through some family problems. Like you, I was aware of his dx early on but I didn’t research so I took a lot of things personally (forgetting to respond to text/call, lack of follow through, sometimes his comments/jokes are out of line..etc). Some I kept to myself, some projected.

I have reached out to him 3 times in that span of time, and in one of them, I did say I wish I read about ADD as soon as he told me, and I apologized for projecting anxiety on him, and questioning his intentions. Last one was just yesterday saying I’ve been thinking about him and hoping he’s doing ok amidst the virus situation.
It was more friendly because I didn’t want him to feel pressured. No response, which I pretty much expected.

Getting kinda long, but bear with me. See, I have a problem with feeling overwhelmed myself and I do withdraw sometimes. I always thought I have ADHD because I have problems with short attention span but I never took it seriously.
I am not diagnosed but who knows maybe I do have ADHD and my tendency to feel overwhelmed like this from time to time is a symptom of it. IF you are interested in what’s going on in a disappearing person’s brain, read on…. I have a close friend that I didn’t speak with from Nov of last year to mid-Feb — when I finally reached out, she cried, said she felt abandoned, and she said she didn’t know if we’re ever going to speak again. Prior to me “disappearing”, which I don’t consider disappearing cuz I did say I was feeling overwhelmed, I texted her and expressed that. This is not the first time I’ve withdrawn but prior ones where only a matter of days, maybe a week, maybe I wouldn’t necessarily disappear but send terse replies to texts…. that by the months-long space I took, I assumed she understood what was going on with me. Long story short we’re fine again, catching up like normal talking about our lives. Yesterday though, we had this heated discussion that somehow triggered her to address my 3ish-month-long disappearance.. obviously she’s not over it. I was pissed off because I’m still not totally fine, especially with concerns associated with the stupid virus impacting things in my life and she chose this time to confront me about that. I thought we’ve moved on. Anyway, this is not the first time she’s done this as well and each time, it irritates me because I have to explain what happens to me when I’m feeling overwhelmed all over again. She complained about not being appreciated as a friend. Because of this, anytime she reaches out, texting me “hope you’re doing well” whatever, I doubt the sincerity of it. To me, it appears more like trying to coax me to respond. It’s very annoying and it pushes me away. It’s like I have stuff to deal with already, I’m feeling depleted, and I still have to deal with her emotions because she can’t understand me. After her blowing up on me a couple of times, it kind of makes her “thoughtful” texts questionable, annoying and consequently takes me longer to want to talk to her again.

Back to my guy, that incident kind of gave light to what is going on with me and him. It’s a different kind of relationship of course, since the other person is just a friend. Don’t get me wrong, I do care about my friend and I appreciate her. I’ve known her for a while and she’s been there for me in times of need. but anyway it kinda gave me a glimpse of what’s going on in his head. It’s like an epiphany! We have to trust that it is not about us, and if we really care we need to give them what they need. Give them the space and be supportive. I don’t know if that’s being codependent but I’m able to empathize, because I do experience getting overwhelmed (have similar coping mechanism) and it was only yesterday when I actually realized this. When I’m feeling anxious I forget about all that and my anxiety taking over makes me dwell on negative thoughts, and being suspicious.

As for your question, it’s difficult to answer and confirm that she did love you. I had that same question but reality is, internet strangers like me have not seen how you guys interact so we can’t really tell, only you can. I think that’s part of trust too though, you have to trust that the person loves you or likes you enough that she would not intentionally hurt you. When I’m having anxiety and I start to rewind what happened between me and him, start questioning things, then it makes me want to reach out because I’m angry. It’s only when I think of him as someone who struggles with coping that I’m able to give him a “supportive space”, eventually reach out with sincere messages of “I’m here if you need me”. Would she eventually come back? Maybe, maybe not. If she says she can only be friends with you because that’s all she can give, would you be supportive and give her what she needs without any expectations? I think that’s the question to ask. Setting boundaries is another thing. Caring for someone and being supportive doesn’t mean letting your own mental health suffer though. So you have to make a decision. You can wait if you think you’re able to manage but this will take a lot of patience on your part and a lot of understanding, being open to the possibility that it may still not work, or you can choose to move on, maybe be open to being friends in the future. Either way you have to keep your emotions in check because ultimately it’s going to hurt you and it’s just going to push her away…OR you can just move on and shut her out completely, that’s an option too

I’m not saying any of this is right or wrong, just sharing my experience

  • This reply was modified 1 year, 8 months ago by pepelepew.