Reply To: She just suddenly disappeared. I can’t make sense of it…

Home Welcome to the ADDitude Forums For Spouses & Loved Ones She just suddenly disappeared. I can’t make sense of it… Reply To: She just suddenly disappeared. I can’t make sense of it…

#166918
leftie22
Participant

I’m sorry for what you’ve gone through and how hurt you must feel. Of course we never intend to act out of character and say hurtful things, and I understand why you feel guilty and like you contributed to the breakup.

On the other hand, relationships are two-sided and have to be respectful on both sides. ADHD shouldn’t be an excuse for hurtful behaviour. In this day and age when it’s so easy to stay in touch, the fact that she wasn’t responding to messages is disrespectful and hurtful. Regardless of the reason, it would damage anybody’s sense of security. Your reaction to that rejection and disrespect is normal. You have the right to have needs in a relationship, and if she was unable or unwilling to meet those needs, for whatever reason, it’s not your fault.

There’s some good information out there about the cycle many people with ADHD go through of pushing their loved ones away, then pulling them in, over and over. Even though I understand it on an intellectual level, the actual experience of not knowing which side of your partner you’re going to see, the loving one or the distant one, is destructive and hurtful. I suspect it would have been the same for you, so my advice would be to get off the roller coaster now, reexamine your needs in a relationship and what you have to offer, and find someone who is able to meet your needs to stay in touch, follow up on plans and give you the feelings of security and love that you deserve. I hope you’re able to make peace with this situation and know that ADHD isn’t an excuse for jerking someone around.