Reply To: RSD – Totally me

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My marriage may have been saved by this article illuminating RSD. I ran across the subject in a support group for wives of ADD/ADHD spouses and all the hair stood up on my body. 33 years of “fits” in which I am the base of all evil in the world, he has no accountability, I could go on…… has been so bad, I have lived for 7+ years (and currently live) with CAMERAS in my home for the very need of replaying ACTUAL conversations or occurrences after a “fit” in which his version is NEVER what really happened. Every time Husband sees the camera replay, he hands his head and truly SEES what he thought did not actually or EVER happen.

Just learned last week (prior to new med) that he had NO memory of what he said during his fits DESPITE it always being 1 of 15-20 “same” statements/beliefs he had. That he has NO recollection freaked me out a little. What did THAT mean?? I was mentally, emotionally and spiritually exhausted.

I will if I had not had 4 years now of amazing therapy – working to heal codependency, trauma, learn to put myself FIRST (heal people-pleasing disease), and move from Head brain living to HEART brain living. TRANSFORMATIVE but the most difficult thing I have ever been challenged to do. Lots of tears, hyperventilation, mental fighting, etc. Phew……I almost cannot believe how I used to “think” and what I accepted.

The only thing that kept me still here has been husband’s willingness (when not “hating on me”) to go to therapy and heal whatever this was. Time was running thin as each RSD fit was emotionally vomited on me out of nowhere – I noticed my “tolerance” nearly 0. While proud of myself, my gut also knew something was going on and if he was willing to explore, I had a bit more time to invest. Being so out of control and attacked randomly after “nothing” was impossible to explain away once I got out of my head and FELT/honored my feelings.

Marriage counseling has been a disaster because 1. He sits there “my wife is amazing, I don’t know why we are here” 2. They NEVER see any RSD and he did not have an ability to admit or describe as his memory was not there and 3. I would be SO urgent to be heard, someone explain PLEASE, someone help us PLEASE that I looked like the problem. PLUS, AFTER leaving the session, RSD would kick in over anything I said that he could not handle. Marriage counseling guaranteed days to weeks of RSD fits.

Both boys were diagnosed Aspergers and ADD/ADHD but now I wonder if it truly ADD/ADHD with RSD????? I assumed husband was ASD based on his bizarre behaviors but this 100% infuriated him.

Husband and I see the same doctor, so at my appointment last week, I mentioned it to her and this article 3 hours prior to husband’s appt. I told her my hellish version of my life – NOTHING they see in him EVER. His public “persona” is near perfection. “What is her problem?” is what many have asked.

Well, THIS is my life. THIS deeply affected my children, now grown and out of the house thankfully. It makes you think you are crazy – the vacillation between this demon behavior and their regular to sweet “loving” behavior, and the fact that NO ONE, not even professionals, understand or have any idea what you are talking about and that is IF they believe you. I told her I could bring he camera video of the 3 fits in 3 days in a row last week if she needed to see it. She was flabbergasted and believed me wholeheartedly.

I asked the doc if she had heard of RSD. That was a “no”. I described the behavior and my camera evidence otherwise. She excitedly stated she sees this behavior in adolescents – their parents come in with cell phone video of what actually happened, but the child has “thought” they heard something else, freaks out, attacks, verbally or otherwise, massive stress and the parents feel CRAZY.

3 hours later, Husband showed up, knew doc was already informed, thankfully admitted the truth of our life, and both the doc and therapist agreed to put him on Guanfacine immediately. He came home with the prescription.

The very next day, I woke up to a NEW husband. It is now day 6 today…..I do not know who I am married to but also am hesitant. He says he feels so amazingly different. (He is also on Viibryd, Vyvanse and now Guanfacine.) In the last 2 months, his moods/thoughts/behaviors have dramatically changed. While his anxiety disappeared on Viibryd, his rigidity immediately decreased, his “thoughts” started affecting him – hence the Vyvanse. (He had full psychological testing but ADD/ADHD was not considered until I highlighted 6 places it was listed, hubs took it to therapy and came home with a script. (GeneSight DNA medication testing ensured he was only given meds that work for HIM. He has MTHFR 1298/677 and had only 4 ADD/ADHD options that he was “safe” to take, as well as only 4 antidepressant/anxiety meds recommended. Saved a LOT of time with no trial and error with side effects.

He hasn’t had an RSD “fit” in 6 days, and I promise you have said things that WOULD have caused a massive one. I am not testing him – he just literally twisted reality it seemed.

I am optimistic but hesitant. I hope this is not a “honeymoon” effect. 33 years of hyper vigilant behavior mixed with “super loving”, I truly considered he had multiple personalities a few times.

I hope sharing my experience helps others. If RSD returns, I will try to come back and share what changed, if anything. I can tell you honestly – being “free” of RSD for almost a week?? Has taught me I cannot live with it another minute. I truly hope this keeps it under control. RSD is no way to live for the loved one (let alone the RSD sufferer.)