Reply To: Denial and flip flopping – help!

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It’s A New Day


I would have to say that being served with divorce papers was my first wake up call. For about a week after, I was very quiet. We didn’t talk much. I couldn’t, or, wouldn’t. I was playing the roll of the victim, again. The weapy eyes, the apologies, the promises, again. At some point,we began to talk about finances and insurance. If we divorced, she would lose her health insurance. It’s through my job. I didn’t want that to happen, truly. I agreed to move out regardless. She dropped the divorce, and I never moved out. She felt duped, again. I promised to see a therapist,again. That finally happened. However, the first one just kept saying, “uh huh, uh huh”. The second, took my side and made me feel vindicated. Not what I needed. The third was too young and single and could not relate to my issues at all. At that point, almost a year had past, and we were no better off. We were very close to purchasing a second home for me. This was now becoming too real. Knowing I finally had to do something, I did extensive research for a therapist. One who specialized in the areas my wife had always insisted I explore. My first visit I was given three pages of questions to answer. Second visit, I have a diagnosis of ADHD. I was devistated,scared, and amazingly overwhelmed with relief. Almost to the point of joy. Finally answers! My therapist suggested It was this website that “woke me up”! Reading posts from you,Hope,and so many others. You were all talking about ME. Now knowing all the pain and damage I have inflicted over 32 years of marriage, was more than I could handle. It was not about me anymore. No more blaming. No more being defensive all the time. No more hurtful words. No more yelling and screaming. I HAD to change. I so look forward to my therapy sessions. Finding the right therapist is key. Don’t give up until you find, the one. It really helps me to talk about it. Can’t you tell? Lol
My wife has been cautiously understanding at this point, of my new found self discovery and awareness. I can’t say I blame her. All I can do is ask for her patience, again. There are no guarantees I won’t slip up from time to time. I try to be aware of signs of trouble ahead and then remind myself I have ADHD. This helps me to stop and think first. I do not want to be the man using it as an excuse, but the one who owns it, understands it, and can learn from it. I want to be able to show my wife I really do love her and care about her. Not just words. I don’t know why this does not come easy for me. Hopefully therapy will help with that.
I cannot thank you enough for your posts. They have opened my eyes and heart.
When talking to your husband about all this, make sure it is when you are both calm and communicating well. I was always most receptive in my apologetic, remorseful, promising the world stage. Softness and kindness helped me. It’s so easy for “US” to feel attacked. I know it’s not easy and can turn on a dime.
Now what? How do I begin to rebuild the relationship I have destoyed? I cannot expect her to be there with open arms saying “it’s okay, I still love you”,….again.