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I’m sorry for everything you’re going through. I found myself on here as I’m going through something similar. And reading forums and posting my own has truly helped me to see reality and feel less alone.
I have been in a similar situation – except my partner is undiagnosed and flip flops between wanting help and going into denial and blaming me. We were mostly long distance up until October, where we moved in together. It has only got worse – and mental, verbal abuse has also turned into physical. He has always been apologetic, although never changing – and in the last year or so he has refused to apologise and remains sure that it is me who is the problem. I found a long forum where many people were advising behaviour like this is actually NPD – narcissism. Those with ADHD and those without have all said, on here, that this behaviour isn’t normally triggered by ADHD. It is worth looking at, although it is not your job to research someone else’s mental health, as you mention, it’s their responsibility. I’ve had to move out of our home and I’m immensely struggling… I have since seen more and more narcissism from him – especially the need for attention and stopping at none to get it – since I have left. Put yourself first. Your health and safety is what’s important, regardless of how you choose to handle things. Sending love.