How I can relate!!
Last year November I hit an all time low, I wanted to cease to exist. I knew I needed to get help when I spent 2 hours on a suicide hotline with the most amazing human who showed so much compassion.
I’m a very smart person, I could and probably can still be a neurosurgeon if my ADHD diagnosis is correct and concerta works. Before I get into my story, join HAMS or HAMS for women in Facebook. It is an amazing support group with members word wide. When it comes to alcohol the term used is Alcohol Use Disorder and not an alcoholic as is written in the DSM 5. Their motto is better is better and obviously how can we help with no judgement. This is Harm reduction and not AA.
So I’ve always been depressed, with a very very low drive. I managed it , got a post grad, happy I passed but unhappy that it was not a Cum since my IQ is very high. Back to last year, I really think 2019 tried to kill me but just trusted God (born again 3 years ago) and his words that 35 will change everything. I went to see a psychiatrist which I’m not too trusting of because they just describe lots and lots of drugs, however this one wanted to start me low and slow since the Cymbalta my GP prescribed gave me every single side effect listed. Then over the past couple of months she got to know me and at the beginning of the year she asked if I’ve ever been tested for ADHD, I’m like no…I sat still in class why would I have ADHD. I’m an adult female, the chances are like 4%. Well I took the test and got 100% on it. FULL BLOWN ADHD.
By now we had tried 2 different SSRI’s and she wanted to try a 3rd which I agreed to, but again side effect. I then spent a good 4 hours studying and reading journals, published papers on children not being diagnosed with ADHD and specifically in my case alcohol use. Not drinking to get drunk, but drinking to wash out all the crap going through my brain every night. Started socially at the age of 14, daily drinker for the last 7 years?
So why did the SSRI’s not work, because it is a dopamine problem in my case. I took my first Concerta today, and I have never in my life felt such a need or urge to PRODUCE, because remember production is the basis of morale.
So yes I self medicated with alcohol and my family was convinced I was a full blown alcoholic until I stopped drinking for a week without climbling the walls.
And today was the first day in 5 years I did not get home and the first thing I did was pour myself a drink. Coincidence? No.
My advice to you is to join HAMS and never stop advocating for your mental health. EVER!
I know it is only day one for me, but I so wish I was diagnosed earlier. Because today I realised I’ve only ever worked hard enough to cover my needs, why because my dopamine is and had been wonky for over 20 years. Today I realised that I can and more importantly have the drive to WANT to work for more wants, like a nice watch or in my case a horse.
So keep on trying to find help, I’m assuming you’re in the US (Hams ladies will be very helpful there), find the right doctor who will take the time to get to know you. My doc first diagnosed me with borderline personality disorder. But after today I know it is dopamine.
ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF! Stand up for your rights and your health and try and see what works. Yours might be serotonin, it might even be a vitamin deficiency. And join Hams, they are super supportive.
As for me I hope this is it, I can finally not just live but WANT to live.