Reply To: ADHD bf verbally and emotionally abuses long distance gf. Will this change?

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#142146
CatMa
Participant

Dear Sunshine,
I think you already know the answer. No, he will not change. Moving in with him will not improve your relationship. I beg you, do not proceed with this course of action. It’s not just because you would be the one giving up the most, (actually, everything)… Changing every single aspect of your life in order to let him stay comfortable.
This is not just a phase he’s going through, while he adjusts to his medication, or even to his diagnosis. Receiving a diagnosis of adhd is like grieving a death, we go through similar stages of anger, denial, blaming. But we *cannot* linger there in the anger. We must move forward and take responsibility for finding ways to work around the adhd challenges. It’s not easy. But no one can do it for us. This person you’ve described has no intention to do the required work to live with adhd, instead he blames you, his family, the world at large, for his troubles. *But it’s no one’s fault! It simply is.* Until this person realizes that, becomes a grownup, and accepts it, he will continue to abuse you.

This person you’ve described has a lot more going on than just adhd. He tells you not to compare him to your father because he hasn’t struck you. Except emotional abuse also terrorizes, hurts, with scars that last a lifetime. You already know this. And it’s hard to say, but perhaps the reason he’s not struck you is because he and you live in different countries. He can’t reach you, his arms aren’t long enough… If you are walking on eggshells when you’re actually together, and he’s trying to be on his best behavior then, then, no, he wouldn’t have struck you during those brief periods.

Imagine your life, if you go forward. You move to a new country, a new culture, a new way of living, a new language, a new set of rules and laws, a new life. You give up *every* single aspect of your life, and what you know, your security. He gives up nothing. And he’s got no reason to get better, and he even may expect you to rescue him. What’s in it for you? Your children someday? Lots of heartbreak and pain. Nothing that is healthy and good.

Maybe this is more than what you wanted when you wrote. But I think that you already knew all this. Yes, I went through a similar situation 20 years ago, and I got out of it. Thank goodness.