Have you visited Melissa Orlov’s site or read her book “The ADHD Affect on Marriage”?
I’ve been a member of the site since 2016. The common thread that comes out from all the posts I’ve read is:
Your husband won’t change unless he wants to, or HAS to.
Setting boundaries and not backing down from them is a must. If he doesn’t have a license, refuse to get into a car when he is the driver. If he chooses to drive without a license and something happens, that’s on him.
There are a number of people on Melissa’s site who are the “Nons” in a marriage/relationship with someone who is either in denial that they have ADD/HD, or are denying that it affects their relationship and family life. Deflecting and blaming are par for the course with many of these partners.
There is one man on the site whose wife has ADHD. He has taken to living his life in his words : “like she doesn’t exist”. Because he is deeply committed to her and a Christian, he is choosing to stay with her and distance himself from her as much as possible, because he feels that divorce is not an option. His posts are heartbreaking.
I wish I had some good advice to give you.