First of all, franw: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=urZxLdrwcbQ. If you think of suicide please watch that clip.
Second, artlover, your courage to post here is amazing. I know it’s hard. I would recommend Mark Manson. He is crude, but he put things in a way that really helped me. It takes a long time to start making changes, so start slow. Find a system like a bullet journal, and just start with a few small pieces of your life that you want to get done (dust one shelf, vacuum just one room, etc.). Small steps. You don’t make big changes overnight but a bunch of small and failed and repeated steps until it becomes a habit.