My wife has ADHD and I was undiagnosed until while we were dating/first married. At first I didn’t want to believe it, was in denial. It wasn’t until I finally looked at the symptoms that it clicked, maybe I do have ADD. Thankfully she had a great doctor who was ADHD herself and hyperfocused on biology and got her masters or doctorate in it and could literally tell you how a certain med will affect the body on a biological level. That doc is also quirky and fun too, and is able to keep her appointments short to 20-30 minutes (attention span, lol).
We used to have bad fights in the 10 years we were married. My wife would be really mean and yell at me for not carrying my weight (hadn’t gotten therapy yet to try to help me get myself more organized), and I would shut down. I finally admitted that her yelling at me really hurt and it caused me to shut down and I couldn’t answer because it would make me frozen. She felt horrible and we worked to her not being so mean and me working to say how I felt.
I think the thing to do is start talking about how you feel. Ask him to just listen and really express why you think he has ADHD, but you want him to come to that realization. Tell him you love him and you don’t want to have a fight every few months. Also, self examine yourself and see if you come across without realizing it as demeaning or otherwise.
I agree, it may be rejection sensitivity dysphoria (which I admit I might have). You mentioned he’s sweet to everyone else. It’s hardest to get organized at home where you have to create your own structure, and he maybe is that way. He probably wants to be organized, but can’t because he doesn’t know how.
The best thing you can do is be sweet and loving, and if he is getting overwhelmed, have him go to another room, shut the door, no distractions, and tell him to write out how he feels. That’s what I do if I’m overwhelmed and it helps.
Just a thought from a husband’s perspective.