Reply To: Self medicating before ADHD diagnosis?

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#141989
artlover
Participant

Fran, is that your name? I just wanted to say thank you! I posted this yesterday but it seems like days ago as I’m constantly checking to see if someone responded, but not without worry to see that someone called me a dirt bag or Troll, obviously not far from my experience w other forum attempts on other sites… Thanks to you, my fear has changed to relief! Relief is an understatement because I am so touched and moved by by your bravery in sharing your story, I don’t feel like I’m locked, in a dark closed space by myself anymore! I sometimes feel exhausted trying to explain or defend myself, because if you’re anything like me (and I’m guessing you may be)your explanation ends up being an overload of information where you lose the other person somewhere in the beginning or entirely. Because no matter how many times I try to justify myself to another, it’s always me trying to justify me to myself!( Lol, I’m having a hard time wording that just right and could spend many many min trying to fix it, but if I don’t move on, I’ll totally forget everything I else I wanted to say! This happens A LOT and I’m not sure how to avoid being stuck! However.. I am today because I have more important things I want to say!) .. oh wait, I already forgot! Kidding! (Kinda) but seriously, before seeing your response I was listening to ADDitude podcast 269, shedding shame, and it’s been a very long time I cried so freely. I usually hold my tears in no matter how much it burns.. not because I’m embarrassed (for once) but because I’m afraid if I start I won’t wanna stop! Then I read your post and I’m still crying! I don’t want to give up, If not for myself but because my daughter needs me! Every time I say that, I think of the oxygen masks on an airplane but I want to feel this self love organically and as an obligation! I am exhausted trying to find comfort and so tired of running into walls looking for it! Whether it’s me trying to get acceptance from my family (mom,dad,sisters etc), finding a judgement free zone, or even a Dr whom knows or willing to learn whom I actually am, and the things in between I’m trying to figure out as I go along! I don’t feel I’ve accomplished much however I get stuck and end up doing nothing because it’s so overwhelming! Like you, I am very isolated. Sure I hv parents but like I said, I can’t relax around them because I sense their disappointment! I have one friend from school whom I don’t talk to often because I feel I’m “that” friend who is always negative and been trying to spare her the on going issues in my life. I have had opportunity to invite others into my life but I keep waiting to get to a “better place” in my life that never comes! I recently became more proactive in self help (hence my discovery of this site) but I think the reason it isn’t working (as fast as I hoped) because I take on TOO much! I started this online learning center called the GreatCourses plus, I spend more time organizing or filling my wishlist, I run out of time learning an actual lesson! I do that with movie apps, online or actual shopping and I either never get to it or take hours trying to finish! People hate shopping w me because I spend more time putting things back on the shelf than I do in a line! I’m going to apologize for this long list of woes because that’s what I do! I apologize to everyone! Though I do have to say even though I feel foolish for being so pessimistic, I’m hoping this comes out being more helpful because someone might relate and not a pity party.
Anyways, I have been writing for 2hrs now and I can’t remember what I said (afraid to reread since I’ll edit for another hour!) I just want to finish asking you this.. if you could have one wish, what would it be? (Keeping it within reality, you are still you meaning you can’t wish away your adhd, something that is actually attainable ) I’ll tell you what I wish.. I wish for someone to except me for me, whom I don’t have to explain myself to, someone to help encourage me, inspire me without feeling I need to give them a piece of my soul! I’m single mom, w one income (I don’t get child support or alimony or things like that) She is only 7 w ADHD so we can sometimes be the blind leading the blind.. I end up doing everything myself because it’s easier than teaching her to help, I never get a sick day even if I have a fever of 104, it’s a lot for anyone without ADHD let alone with… BUT I haven’t given up! I hope to hear from you again and I hope you see the humor in this post because you relate and I hope I helped you like you have helped me!!!

  • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by artlover.
  • This reply was modified 9 months, 2 weeks ago by Penny Williams.