My heart goes out to you. I too have a son similar to yours – Lots of anger and aggression mixed in with his ADHD. I love my son and would give my life for him but I didn’t like him very much in those moments.
Something that would help me get through the tough minutes/hours/days with him (because that’s how we count it, right? How much more time until he goes to bed? How many days until the weekend when I might get a little help from my husband) was to remember how hard this is for him. Again, I totally get the lack of compassion. I’ve been there and it wears you down! In those moments I would try to imagine how chaotic it must be in his head. Something he can’t quite understand, he just knows it makes him feel awful. If he could choose, he wouldn’t choose this. I never found trying to rationalize with him in these moments to be effective. If anything I feel like it ignited the situation and prolonged it. As hard as it was, I would let him know I was there when he was ready to calm down and ignore it. Mine’s a follower too. I would find something to distract me – read the news on my computer, do the laundry, whatever to take myself out of it just a little bit.
I don’t know your stance on medication and it’s a personal choice within your family. My son was evaluated just a few weeks ago and was definitively diagnosed with ADHD. He has been on medication for just about 2 weeks now and our lives have significantly improved. The second day taking his medication he said “mommy, my new vitamin makes me feel so much better.” Two Months ago, I would have described us as a family in crisis. Everything we did or didn’t do depended on my son and how he was that day. Now, I feel like we are finding a new and better normal. He’s still a little boy that gets into trouble and gets a little crazy at times but it’s so much more controllable. There’s also still some anger stuff but nothing like it was before. I felt so hopeless but now I feel like we are on a good path. I know there will be bumps and adjustments but I’m willing to do whatever it takes.
Happy to chat anytime if you just need someone to commiserate with. That, in and of itself is a huge help. Do you have a support system?