Dude. No. Just no. This is not on you to “fix” as you are not broken. Meds are off the table because she says so? Youre not the guy I married? Doesn’t believe in ADHD?
I’m 48 and was just diagnosed. Im on year 3 of trying to divorce the exact same person as your wife seems to be.
This is what happens when a co-dependent (you) and (I’ll be nice”) a person who is on the controlling side meet.
Then you do a 10 year dance of trying harder to make her happy but the bar never stops rising as the control get to continue.
For me is took 18 years and 2 supportive daughters to make me see the light so I left. My daughters were right and they need to see what happens when a kind man and father (with raging ADHD) is emotionaly abuse by the very person who is supposed to be supporting which isnt the same as saying you dont need a kick in the ass from her once in a while.
I felt the same you did at 41. Spent another 5 years trying to “Do Better” and once the divorce started you’ll see exactly what you pretended not to see while “trying harder”
I’m sorry brother. Read about the four horseman that destroy marriages and I hope I’m 100% wrong on all of the above.
WIshing you the best……