That was problem #1. Wife was furious that I went behind her back and got diagnosed without discussing with her
I don’t understand why your wife would be furious you got diagnosed without her. She wants your marriage to improve? If she wants you to be healthy, and your marriage to be stronger, she should be happy that you’re seeking treatment. Most problems in marriages when one person has ADHD and the other does not stem from the ADHD partner either being in denial, or under treating their symptoms. Years before I met him, my fiance sought treatment from a cognitive behavioral therapist. He went on some medication at that time to help him Focus on what she was teaching him. He explained that he went on the meds to help him develop a routine that would work for him. He is not currently medicated but has a plan and a routine that works for him. He does the same things in the same order every day which keeps him on track.