Hi Need to know,
Get out now. It is the super-strong people (whom ADHDers unconsciously seek out as mates) who have the steepest falls. You will work and work and work, accepting for a while that you will do it all, but risk realizing too late that no one can.
You say you fear hurting a child because of your fraught marriage. But a child also would suffer from your wife’s ADHD behavior alone, especially if your wife were the at-home parent while you are at work. Even medicated, an ADHD parent’s behavior will not be fully normalized. I grew up with a severely impaired ADHD parent – harrowing. Made worse by the fact that it destroyed my other parent.
The firm boundaries you have helpfully erected (get to the doctor and therapy or else) don’t seem to have moved her to commit to real change. And you’d have to erect those boundaries over and over again.
You have carried your spouse for 2 1/2 years, and propelled her through evaluation, diagnosis, and the start of therapy. That’s more than enough.
Leave before a pregnancy occurs.