Reply To: Rescue or Responsibility


She is doing him a disservice and it is going to affect him in adulthood when he can’t take on any responsibility or remember to do what his boss tells him to do.

But let me say this. It is extremely difficult for those with ADHD/ADD to learn from mistakes. Throughout twenty-five years of marriage my ADD husband has not learned from a single mistake…EVER…no matter what it was or how serious it was! And I mean NEVER! Every time he places a dirty plastic dish into the dishwasher, which should go on the top shelf so heat is reduced) he places it on the bottom shelf and then it melts and there is a mess and very little plastic bowls left. It has been so bad that the dishwasher itself is starting to melt and the pegs inside that hold the glasses have caught fire so we are having to replace it. He very seldom does this task as he does virtually nothing around the house including help raise his children.

When our last two children were babies he would want to take one with him to do errands so he could show them off at the bank and places like that. He would strap the baby securely in the car seat and place it in the car…WITHOUT securing it with the seat belts. We went over this hundreds of times and he still didn’t get it an would continue to place the children in danger. I don’t think they ever went with him anywhere that at least one of them didn’t come home bloody with a busted nose or deep cuts where stitches were needed. It was a chronic worry and I simply didn’t leave him alone with them anymore after I saw that nothing I said or did changed anything and he thought all the injuries including a broken nose, stitches, doctors visits, were no big deal. It put a lot, I mean a ton, of added stress and pressure on me but I did it to protect my children. There are five of us in our family, four with ADD with hyperactivity and one without…and a daughter-in-law with ADD/Hyperactive. After twenty-five years nothing has changed and I get grayer every day. I don’t nag! I don’t say anything anymore because I set my expectations to zero and the kids are old enough to care for themselves!!

Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is a mental disorder of the neurodevelopmental type. It is characterized by difficulty paying attention, excessive activity and acting without regards to consequences, which are otherwise not appropriate for a person’s age.

What I did with my boys is a lot of practice. Real life practice. One does well. Another is so-so. They practice situations with me there with them, not to answer for them but to guide. Lots of what would you do if this or that happens? How do you plan to study for that test? Show me how well you manage your time? How do you respond when someone says this? How do you do so kindly and get your point across. And it goes on and on.

Your wife should be on her knees thanking God that you are willing to be a team member. What I wouldn’t give for that. She is making a very serious error.

You have to try to get into a mindset of an ADHD person. Imagine yourself messing up repeatedly and NEVER being able to learn from your mistakes because that isn’t how your brain is wired. Your wife’s behavior could be because she may very well be suffering from ADD/ADHD as well and isn’t seeing things as clearly as she could. Doctors used to say that someone in the family might be ADHD if one of the children are. Now they say…which one of you is ADHD? It is very hereditary.

She needs counseling for all your sake. She is limiting a child loving involvement and experiences with a father figure and this could affect him the rest of his life.

I hope only the best for you.