Hi Step dad,
well done for caring enough and wanting to be part of your step sons life. I am a mum of two children with ADHD/ASD and have been a step mum to children on the asd/spectrum. (I am undiagnosed). Asking five times is excessive. It can almost start to become like nagging which would probably fall on deaf ears. Definitely I think your wife should involve you in decision making regarding your step son, often when people marry they say ‘it’s the whole package’. Together you could find ways that work better than asking five times and getting something achieved that needs achieving. Life skills are important. Kids with or without ADHD/ASD need different approaches. Key is communication and how it is communicated and finding what works for you and your family. It will be hard for your wife to step back and intervene when she has been the person to navigate and direct her son. I would find it hard. But I would also consider if married that my husband was part of the team, and we were all working towards being a family together that communicates. Good luck and keep up the good work.