There is just a lot to unpack with this one, and there are a ton of “what if.s”
I think that there are three things that need to happen, but I don’t know how reasonable or realistic for you to be able to implement.
#1 – He needs a professional to deal with his ADHD and the apparant additional social-emotional-behavioral stuff that is coming with it.
#2 – Consider a couple’s counselor.
#3 – You need something for yourself. This could be your own therapist, but it could also just be some respite and “me” time… like a pre-set time for you to take a Yoga class and get a pedicure where the phone is off and you have no responsibilities.