I know it takes two to destroy marriage. The problem is he thinks all blame for that is on me. Entirely. That breaks my back:( I thought hard and can’t see myself betraying him in any way possible. I’ve always being faithful, I supported his dreams to the max. Some of them I personally wasn’t comfortable with but still agreed to him proceeding to keep him happy and inspired. He sees my sadness ( despair by now) as sign of depression. Since I’m depressed in his eyes my perception is not accurate and I can’t have good judgment. He knows I’m unhappy. He also knows I’ve being approaching and re approaching the painful dynamics between us for years. He also knows I’ ve being showing that I care enough to not give up on us for years. Was I unhappy? yes! But alone with that not a single thing he did for me or family went unnoticed. I was openly grateful and celebrated every single win he had. Many times I asked how I can be better for him and what he wants adjusted in our life. If he indeed gave up on me at least I know I’ve done everything I could. His forgetfulness, lack of focus, disorganization, many started and never furnished projects I learned to live with very early on. Not even bringing it up anymore. It’s the fact that he does not trust my judgment, blames me for everything wrong in the marriage and explodes when I try to talk to him that is killing me. I choose my words super carefully when addressing him, thinking about all possibilities of how he could interpret them . I’m trying to avoid triggering his defensiveness, because that escalated fast into explosion. But so far I could not find a way to address any issues between us. He never tries to fix anything or express what would make life better for him.
I’m not monitoring his meds, I’m not saying anything that is even remotely critical. In fact I’m not saying much apart from expressing my agreement when appropriate. Inside my head though I’m almost screaming “ I want to talk to you. For real. Deeply. About things that are on my mind. I do not grow apart and become strangers. Because that is who we are becoming with this broken communication:(“ I want real conversation in which he would open up , I would open up and become closer( that only happened in courtship period) .