Speaking as an adult with ADHD married to an empath…what ultimately saved me from wrecking a marriage with a wonderful person was adderall, which I call ‘patience in a pill’. Road rage is how I first noticed a change – before adderall I’d fight anyone and my notions of entitlement were unchartable – with it, I’m forgiving and invite people to go ahead of me. In our relationship, I was quick to point out every inconvenient mistake she made – with meds, I stop and think about the many ways I am how grateful for her if I find a mess she left.
If he won’t submit himself to diagnosis and medication, the only thing I can suggest to help is what we called ‘deal breakers’, which are boundaries with strict consequences. If he won’t accept boundaries, you have set your own limits and decide if you can accept the sacrifice that you’ll have to make to continue with him in this singular life that you’ve been blessed with.
In other posts I saw mention of kids and recommend for you both John Bradshaw’s book “The Family”. Bad dynamics will be passed on to your kids and will torment them and their future families if you don’t tackle this one way or another. Good luck!