Your marriage sounds like mine. I walked on egg shells for 24 years. As a medical person myself I didn’t know I was dealing with adhd husband. I had reached a breaking point realizing I was suffering from trauma. I got myself help told him if he didn’t get and a therapist I would file for divorce. He knew I meant it this time. I then get diagnosed with adhd. I set struck boundaries I stood up to him and no longer feared his rage. When he finally knew I meant business he started taking responsibility for his actions. We have come a long way in 5 years but I still feel like my marriage will never be the same as that first 3 months when I saw his adhd in full force not knowing what it was.
It took me losing control in a therapy session venting 34 years of rage I held in side.
He knew I was one step from divorce that’s when it changed. His anger are far and In between now. It’s a long healing