I am 6 years married to ADHD husband. My tools:
1) I focus on myself, I get focus off him. Each morning, what will I do today to bring myself joy.
2) What are MY hopes and dreams? The ones that I lost track of when I became over-focused for years on fixing him and our relationship.
3) Repeat as needed to myself: QTIP. Quit taking it personally. He has a mental condition that elevates irritability and overwhelm and he lacks tools to control it BUT I can gain tools to improve my own mental emotional state.
4) This one is huge – I hired a handyman and he knocks out the honey do items that hubbie postponed in classic adhd fashion. I now have the well kept house of my dreams. Hubbie didn’t like it when I hired him but I remained calm and positive and did not make it about him I made it about me, this is something I’m doing for me that feels nice.
5) I no longer tell him I’m lonely. Thus just happened yesterday after a lonely Saturday the day before. Instead I ask him hey would you like to (insert a few ideas such as) go for a walk together, go grab some coffee at the new place, play a game of Yahtzee. Instead of telling him how I feel, I figure out what would fix it then I invite him. He told me he wasn’t feeling well enough to do anything and wanted to read his book. So I took my dog for a walk on the beach and the sunset over the ocean as dramatic and gorgeous. Did I feel a bit sad and did I miss my husband? Yes. Did I miss fighting about me being lonely? NO!
6) I got some women friends. Their husbands also drive them batty. However we don’t get together and talk about the husbands. The fact that marriage is frustrating and challenging for most everyone has already been established. We go to movies, dinner, coffee, plays, lunch, etc etc etc.
7) Alanon meetings and the serenity prayer. I grew up with an inattentive distracted adhd father so of course I married same – this marriage is my opportunity to HEAL myself. My dad was a frequent drinker which qualifies me for alanon. Most people have at least one loony drinker in the family and therefore can benefit from the alanon practice of getting the focus OFF the other person and put the focus constructively back on living our own lives.